When Conflict Feels Like Connection
The ADHD brain isn’t driven by importance , it’s driven by interest. That means tasks don’t get done just because they’re supposed to. They get done when there’s novelty, excitement, meaning, or emotional engagement.
And sometimes, that emotional engagement comes from conflict.
If things feel flat or you feel disconnected, when something kicks off, your energy can suddenly shift. There’s a sense of intensity that feels more alive and interesting. For an ADHD brain that’s been under-stimulated, that can feel better than feeling nothing at all.
In coaching, I often talk to clients about how our brains will try to meet a need, even if it’s in a messy or unhelpful way. When we’re craving connection but struggling to access it, conflict can seem like a shortcut. At least in conflict, someone’s paying attention. There’s interaction. There’s the presence of another person.
And even after the conflict, the need for connection can keep the story going. You might find yourself relaying a disagreement to a friend or colleague, looking for someone to take your side, and feeling validated when they say, “Yes, I would’ve reacted that way too.”
This isn’t about doing it on purpose. It’s just the brain trying to get what it needs. But it’s rarely the kind of connection that leaves us feeling good afterwards.
What this can look like at home or at work
At work, you might notice:
Bonding with a colleague over a frustrating manager or the organisation as a whole
Eye-rolling in meetings
Venting together and feeling like someone finally gets it
At home, it might look like:
A small disagreement with your partner suddenly blowing up
An argument that seems to come out of nowhere, just to spark some interest
Your child with ADHD pushing back or creating drama at bedtime – not because they want to argue, but because the transition from something interesting (TV, play, games) to something boring (bed) is hard for their brain to manage
These things can all feel like connection or aliveness. And in a way, they are.
But they can also keep everyone stuck in a loop, feeling drained, misunderstood, or even worse, ashamed.
For ADHD brains, which crave emotional engagement, even unhelpful conflict can feel magnetic, when what we’re usually craving is real connection, not conflict.
So what can help?
It can be really hard to recognise this pattern in ourselves, especially when there’s shame wrapped around it. We might see it clearly in others, but feel convinced we don’t do that. Or if we do catch ourselves in the loop, we might feel embarrassed, frustrated, or judge ourselves harshly for it. That’s why it’s so important to explore this gently, in a space that feels safe and free from judgement, both from others, and as much as possible, from our own inner critic.
Only when we can look at ourselves with curiosity instead of criticism can we start to shift things in a more helpful direction and you might ask yourself:
Do I get pulled into tension when I feel bored, disconnected, or unseen?
Am I trying to feel more alive or more connected?
Is there a different way I could meet that need?
And if you do catch yourself being pulled into drama, big or small, try pausing and asking:
What am I really needing right now?
What would it look like to step out of the conflict and be honest about my needs, with myself, or someone else?
Conflict might give us a quick hit of energy. But connection is what helps us feel calm, safe, and understood.
If this feels familiar, you’re certainly not alone.
So many ADHDers (and parents of ADHD kids) are navigating the tension between needing stimulation and needing peace. With a bit of awareness, support, and self-compassion, it is possible to choose connection over conflict.